The Pressure of Perfectionism

Fun fact: My very first job out of college was a ballet teacher.

Right after graduation, I moved to Atlanta. I signed a lease, had a job lined up, and was all ready to adult alongside the rest of my fresh-out-of-college friends. But within two days of moving, I found out the job fell through. There I was in a new city, in a new house, with a new, one-year lease and two friends depending on me to be able to pay 1/3 of those bills, and no job to make it happen.

Needless to say, I felt like a bit of a failure.

I’d long been labeled “the smart one” growing up. At first glance, that may sound like a compliment to you, but trust me, it’s really not helpful. It came with the deep-rooted belief that my worth as a person was in the achieving, the doing, the being at the best at what I do. So when this happened—this unexpected unemployment in my very first endeavor into adulthood—I was nearly paralyzed with embarrassment. It felt like every single person I knew was walking into the job of their dreams. But me? Well, I was sitting alone on the living room floor of my empty new place trying to figure out how I could afford to stay there. 

I made a quick decision to fall back on the things I knew I could do and started sending out resumes to any and every place I could think of in the city. One of those places was a growing dance studio in the area. I’d danced most of my life (with a short break courtesy of a terrible teacher who told me I was too tall to ever do it well… so who’s laughing now, lady?). Thankfully, I got a call from the owner of that studio, and within two weeks, I was teaching class full-time for her.

I’ve been teaching there ever since.

It’s a job I love with people I love at a studio that I think is the best in the business. Today, I only teach a few hours one night a week, but to start, it was my full-time, sometimes six-days-a-week gig. In all entities, I’ve loved it and will forever by grateful to my boss for giving me the job when I needed it more than she likely knew.

This job has given me a lot of insight into so many things beyond just dance technique and performances. I’m not a parent, so it’s really given me an up close and personal look at the lives of elementary aged girls. It’s a lot of tears, a lot of giggles, a lot of talking, and a lot of fun. However, one thing I keep seeing in these girls over the years continues to surprise me.

They almost all seem to be little perfectionists in the making.

The amount of nerves I’ve had to calm in a 3rd grader who made a misstep on stage.

The way I’ve had to heap encouragement on a 2nd grader who didn’t want to perform because she thought she couldn’t do every single step without mistake.

The moments I’ve had to stop class because a 4th grader was talking so negatively about herself that she shut down.

The times I’ve seen a 5th grader quit after years of dance because she decided she couldn’t do it with perfection.

Perfectionism abounds.

Early on, I observed the way this was shutting my girls down. So, I adopted a mantra in my class. I introduce it as my #1 rule on the very first day. Then, we talk about it almost every single week of the year as we work on technique and choreography. It’s a pretty simple sentence with pretty big implications:

You don’t have to be perfect; you just have to try your best.

This year, my students are particularly struggling with a strong dose of perfectionism, so we’ve gone so far as to ban the word “perfect” from class completely. That’s because I want them to know that it isn’t the outcome I’m looking for. Do I want them to learn? Yes! Do I want them to be disciplined in their practice? Of course! Do I teach them to be precise and careful in their choreography? For sure! But more than that, I teach them that it’s the effort and attitude I care about most.  

If they show up and work hard but don’t land that turn? I’m proud.

If they try, and try, and try, and still can’t get their full splits? I’m good.

If they leave class sweating from a max effort? I’m thrilled.

I’ve seen this little mantra work wonders in these girls. I’ve watched the pressure fall off them for an hour, and it makes every element of class better. It makes it more fun. It makes them easier to teach. It makes the meltdowns less frequent. And it makes them much more willing to give things a try without the fear of failure or the pressure of perfectionism hanging over their heads.

Taking perfection off the table set them free.

I was thinking about this on the drive home from class last week. I had one student particularly struggling to get a step this year, and when she finally got it, the rest of the class went INSANE for her. They were applauding her success at finally landing that leap, but more than that, they were applauding the non-stop, all-out effort they’ve seen this girl put in for weeks.

It made me think about the authors I work with on a regular basis. So many of them come to me saying, “I want to write a book, but I don’t think I can do it. I’m not a writer.” This just in: YES YOU ARE! Everybody has the capacity to write. Everybody has a reason to put pen to paper (or fingers to keys as the case may be). Everybody has a story to tell in whatever capacity they choose to tell it.

Everybody can be a writer. But so often, the fear of getting it wrong, or embarrassing ourselves, or doing anything less than perfect keeps us from even starting. Just think of all the great stories out there we could’ve missed out on hearing had that writer waited to try until they thought they could do it perfectly!

Now, I’m taking this mantra out of the classroom and into my life. I’m sharing it with my clients taking the brave step to just start. To give it the effort they can with the help and guidance they need. To try their best.

But I’m also trying to take it to myself. To look at my life and ask, “What have I missed because I didn’t think I could do it? What have I chosen not to try simply because I think I may not get it right, right away?”

I don’t know about you, but for me, the list of ways I could answer those questions is long! My goal this year is to check some of those things off my list. But more than that, my goal is to carry this vibe with me to the people I’m around. I don’t want to hold my students, my clients, my friends, or even myself to this standard of perfectionism. Instead, I just want to see us all try our best.

Because that’s really all we can do!